Such a Love

Also from archives September 2005

 

Standing before you my mind keeps colliding, with all of the love I try hard to keep hiding.

Showing you only the parts that you see. If you saw in my heart, how scared would you be???

A breeze in my soul with each breath that you take. The glow in your eyes makes me tremble and shake.

The air on my skin is warmed just by your presence; as if you embodied the SUN in it’s essence. 

Your smile destroys me. Do I stand a chance?? My blood, it start racing from only one glance.

With you, is forever. My pulse marks the time. I can hear every second tick by in the mind.

Drumbeats of agony strike in my heart at the thought that some day this sweet love would depart.

Such a powerful love, at once thunder AND lightning. The strength of such love is both wondrous AND frightening.

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To Love Too Late

Found in the archives from May 2004

 

You lay here beside me, yet so far away.

The distance between us grows bigger each day.

Every moment, each thought, is of us together.

But slowly I realize you’ve let go of my tether…

Floating, I’m lost. Not quite up. Not quite down.

I feel my heart breaking, not making a sound.

 

I long to just hold you. Touch my hands to your face.

To tell you I LOVE you!!!

The wrong time, the wrong place.

I can’t stop these feelings…to turn off my heart.

I look in your eyes and my world falls apart.

 

I’m better than this! I can be JUST a friend! 
But I can’t tell myself this is really the end.

So, I smile and I laugh so you think I’m alright.

In my dreams, in the dark, your face haunts me at night.

How do I learn to be whole all alone??

You’ve been half of my heart for as long as I’ve know.

The pain I have caused…the mistakes I have made!

NOW is the time that it all is repaid.

 

Now for the first time, I see my true fate:

                               To know what love is…and to find it too late.

 

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missing

I wake suddenly, with the clarity of knowledge that I have forgotten to do something. That I have missed out on something. That I should have gone down the “other path in the wood.” I don’t mean the big life choice fork in the road. Something, that at the time seemed smaller, more insignificant, but that would have led to so much more.

Deeper relationships; less isolation; better understanding and acceptance of me and by me, for all that surround or touch this life I live.    

In my sleeping mind it has substance. I know it’s name and I can see…I can know.    

Awake I am restless and I feel loss and longing for something that remains a mystery to my heart.

I feel the ache of missing, that which I can not even name…

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I am here

How do I support that which leans elsewhere?

How do I help that which does not need me?

How do I heal wounds that will not be shown to me?

How do I gain entrance to that which is closed off to me?

How, standing on the outside, will my voice EVER be heard?

I am here. I am here.

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Sorry if I offend…

Where is God? Is He in a building in the town because it bears a cross upon it’s roof?

Is He in the repetition of words with a priest because it is called a prayer?

Is He in the pages of a book because we are taught the stories and phrases to repeat from birth?

Is He in the incense burned, the candles lit, the flowers arranged or the beads counted?

Is He in the offering plate publicly passed down the pews in front of your neighbors and friends?

Is He in the people that knock on your door and trap you in the opening to tell you what to believe in?

Is He in the ritual and diplomacy and the “Christian duty” that we see every Sunday?

Is He in the rug that is knelt on 5 times a day to pray as one must because that is the way?

Is He in that person that pretends to care, is the first to shake my hand, but when the need is great, does nothing to help?

Is He in the name that He is called and then isn’t there if you should call the wrong name?

I cannot answer these, for I am only me. And perhaps to many, He is in those places as they apply to each person individually, but this is what I do know….

He is in the sun when it rises and then in the dark of night when it sets.

He is in the air that I breath and the rain when it falls.

He is in art both great and small and rides upon music when it is made.

He is in spontaneous laughter, the kind that catches even you off guard, when it passes your lips.

He is in the pain that we feel and also the strength that brings us through.

He is everywhere and no where just as you need.

He is whatever name you choose to call him, as long as you call him.

He is in any building that you pray to him; from shack to house to designated “place of worship”.

I don’t need the right time of day, the right gender, the right building, the right book, the right clothes, the right color of skin, the right words or language to pray and honor God and to rejoice in the life that I am given.

If you know God, Allah, Jehovah, Yahweh, Brahma, Vishnu, Krishna, Mother Earth, and many more I have yet to know, you need never ask where He is….

I am IN God. God is IN me.

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Burning Bright

I try so very hard to burn so very bright and to prove my strengths and overcome my fears and weaknesses.

Reaching out to touch the stars themselves, longing to bask in the Milky Way does not change the reality of what I CAN do, what I CAN’T do and even the things I shouldn’t be trying so hard to do. Getting to know ones limits is an ever-changing and elusive thing, that must be challenged and acknowledged time and time again. Accepting ones limitations without judgement and without blame is a kind of strength and courage that many have yet to ever know and many more will never be able to achieve themselves.

The difference, comes in knowing that accepting all that you can not do, is NOT a show of weakness, but is truly a show of courage. It is a declaration that you know your true worth without these achievements. To be setting new goals at the very moment that you are “failing” to meet your last, shows a strength and determination that could never be found in a weak soul or a defeated heart.

It takes amazing resilience to constantly imagine your life in a different way. To always at a moments notice be ready to realign the very path your life will take, for the sole reason that you will NOT give up and that you will not give in to that which you can not control. That you will adapt and grow and make it to be as if the plan was your very own from the beginning of all that was possible in this world.

Most people may have to course adjust like this only a few pivotal moments in their lives…when they choose a career or a family; when they graduate college and head into the world; when a tragedy strikes unexpectedly or when a loved one gets sick or even dies. Then, there are those of us that make those kinds of adaptations and acceptances several times in one month, or a week or sometimes even within a single day. We make the hard choices and we take ownership of our lives and ourselves by making those choices the very best they can be within our own limitations. And more importantly perhaps, by still loving ourselves at the end of the day.

I have to say out loud to all who only see the failure in the action taken or not taken; who only see what wasn’t as it should have been or wasn’t the way it was planned to be…I have to say to them, that it takes courage and strength from deep within, to acknowledge/accept/let go/ and imagine a new path that still leads to happiness, all in that same space of time that you see only our failure. For us to have the vision to see a new way to be true to ourselves and to all those we love in a time of upheaval, disappointment and change, is to truly find peace within ourselves that is never shaken. It will always burn as bright as those stars that you once reached for…

Having boundaries does not mean that you stop dreaming big, daring to achieve the impossible or do the things you desire to do. It simply means that when it doesn’t happen the “right way” or the first time around, you will be the one planning a new way to the stars and not the one broken and defeated right back where they started.

And that my friends, is a fiercely empowering truth to understand.

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gifts are meant to be shared….

Not all that is lost, can be found.

Not all gifts come without some price.

If you don’t strive to keep that which you treasure, it can fade away bit by bit before you even realize it’s in danger of being gone.

The things that make you special and unique, should not be taken for granted or squandered in idle waste.

They are talents and blessings that others may fight every day for and never achieve.

They may say “be careful what you wish for” but you should be more wary of losing what you already have by ignoring what you’ve been given.

Breath deep. Live full. Use your talents for your own joy, even if they are not seen or heard by others. If you stop doing what you love, you risk losing what you do…and really, a piece of who you truly are…

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