Where fear is kept…

Hiding behind my weaknessess I wear my illness like a cloak

to hide my fears and insecurities

to mask my utter cowardice in that which will gain support and understanding.

I could forge ahead with eyes on the prize

Ignore the warnings in my head.

I could be fine, I could be okay. I could have fun or find a new strength in myself.

But what if I’m not? What if I can’t? What if it’s worse and I’m trapped?

What if it hurts and they all see? What if it’s bad for days because of this one good?

Do I want it that bad…is it worth so much…would it matter to anyone but me.

Better to pull that cloak around me tighter, maybe it can make me safer,

Maybe if others believe these fears are more important than making the attempt to try, I will convince myself as well and the guilt and shame will go away.

Maybe if I embrace this pain that is real and the sick I can’t fight, I won’t feel the stinging loss of what I am not going to do.

Where I will not be. Who I will not see.

The pain is real. The sick is harsh and oppressive but how long will I hide in that cloak before these truths are ruling my life instead of simply a part of it?

A LIFE: that which includes everything, accepts weakness and embraces every success; every inch gained… that which forgives and challenges and never accepts defeat.



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2 responses to “Where fear is kept…

  1. shauri3

    Hugs. I love you just the same either way. There’s always a fine line between taking good care of yourself and letting the fear stop you from doing things. I do it too. All the time. I’m there with you. We can do this! 🙂

    • I guess I’m having a hard time deciding where the line should be…I thought I had figured it out and made sure I was in charge but over the last couple of weeks of feeling worse than average bad for me, I’ve somehow lost my line in the sand. Now I second guess each attempt to step forward or choice to hang back and the last thing I will allow is regret because I ‘chose poorly’ and missed out on something unique and special because then I end up resenting everyone who was there. It’s happened before but not for quite a long time. Today is not one of those times, but this wknd could be….if I don’t chose wisely. But wisely for my body or wisely for my guilty conscience? I’m unsure of my motives right now. sigh…..

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