Hiding behind my weaknessess I wear my illness like a cloak
to hide my fears and insecurities
to mask my utter cowardice in that which will gain support and understanding.
I could forge ahead with eyes on the prize
Ignore the warnings in my head.
I could be fine, I could be okay. I could have fun or find a new strength in myself.
But what if I’m not? What if I can’t? What if it’s worse and I’m trapped?
What if it hurts and they all see? What if it’s bad for days because of this one good?
Do I want it that bad…is it worth so much…would it matter to anyone but me.
Better to pull that cloak around me tighter, maybe it can make me safer,
Maybe if others believe these fears are more important than making the attempt to try, I will convince myself as well and the guilt and shame will go away.
Maybe if I embrace this pain that is real and the sick I can’t fight, I won’t feel the stinging loss of what I am not going to do.
Where I will not be. Who I will not see.
The pain is real. The sick is harsh and oppressive but how long will I hide in that cloak before these truths are ruling my life instead of simply a part of it?
A LIFE: that which includes everything, accepts weakness and embraces every success; every inch gained… that which forgives and challenges and never accepts defeat.