No place is safe, no word spoken is sure to be taken without insult, no food is okay, no choice is approved, no help is wanted or appreciated….what is okay? How can you hide from being wrong or offensive when there is no where to go!? Step to the left or the right and the shells will be broken. Move forward and the delicate balance will be destroyed. How can one live like this and remain whole? How do you do anything without fearing either snippy misunderstandings or judgemental corrections of each action and every move you make?
You can’t walk on eggshells…they just keep breaking and the tiny shattered pieces break a tiny piece of me each minute of each day that I keep taking these steps. So is this what you do? I will not help. I will no longer offer aid. I will not eat in front of others. I will not share opinions and thoughts in group settings. I will not medicate the way I think I should. I will not continue to heal myself with positive thoughts and be proud of my strength. I will not be accepting of my life and joyful for my tiny moments. They are nothing. They are not enough. They do not count.
So this is what I have learned… I am doing it wrong. I am choosing poorly. I am giving up on my life. I am living a poor, unacceptable excuse for a life. I eat improperly. I consume sugar and carbohydrates. I do not strive to find new solutions or try new things when the old doesn’t make things better. I ruin the lives of those around me and cause them to worry. I am not active enough and do not push to do more. I am happy to be in this plateau that I am in and don’t care….about any of it.
So I cry myself to sleep each night and try to hide during the day and wonder how you keep the eggshells from breaking. I don’t think you can. I think the shattered pieces will just have to keep piling up because I don’t know how to live this way.