My Dreamcatcher is broken…

So I have a dream catcher…it hangs on my window, fully intact, strings unbroken, complete with beads and feathers. It appears whole, dusty but unchanged and yet somehow, my dream catcher is broken. I have periodically, but often enough to be of note. a recurring theme dream rather than one specific dream that repeats exactly in the same format again and again. This repetitive dream theme represents current aspects and emotions or mental states that have nothing to do with the specific settings of the dreams nor the same person in all the dreams but what it DOES represent truly does elude me. I could use a little guru to appear and tell me where this stems from and what does it really mean!?

The dreams are always very intense, emotionally and mentally. They usually contain angst and end in tears and never resolve comfortably. The stages of the situation of the dreams are not necessarily chronological when they occur in consecutive nights.

Some nights it is the beginning of the breaking down of all that is known, familiar, comfortable and loved. Something is wrong or off but I do not yet know that it is coming to an end, at least not in my head but perhaps in my heart. I may never know for sure. This dream is filled with a shift in the dynamic and the beginning of the spiral into loss of control. The emotions and elements are frustration, false accusation, the feeling of being invisible or unheard, of being found worthless and in this dream, anger. I am often screaming and screaming by the end and only having an effect on myself rather than him. This dream usually ends with me left alone, crying and frustrated and I wake up.

Some nights it is the actual ending of all that is known and right and comfortable. There is very little emotion from the other side. More a stating of facts, a laying out of the new way things will be, a resigned sense of defeat and already completed acceptance from the opposing party. There is no room for negotiation. No amount of pleading or begging can alter this change in the status quo. I am willing to alter all that I do and all that I am without a moments hesitation but I believe it is to keep things as they are because I am not ready for the change. It was not my decision, on my terms…in my control. Nothing will change this new decision however and the hope I cling to in this dream is actually denial. There is weeping, there is pleading. There is disbelief, surprise (was I really surprised, or did I know) hurt and desperation. It ends in tears, confusion and an extreme sense of loss and he is walking away as I wake up.

Some nights it is further along in the scenario where I am still in a position to believe I can regain what I have lost (whether I really want it back or not) and return things to the way they were. Only I will be different, better, improved, changed and whatever the word is that will convince the opposing forces to relent and agree. But this dream then turns to betrayal…the realization that now there is another where I am not. That the position has been filled, the emotions replaced, the possibility of regaining what I had and seem to need is impossible and has always been impossible, although I refuse to accept it as so. This dream is filled with betrayal, jealousy, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, desperation, failure and utter powerlessness that is all-consuming. I have officially lost the battle that was lost to me a long time ago. This also ends in tears and angst but I’m smiling on the outside because we are friends and I am okay. Of course it’s okay….I am okay. I wake up not okay….

Some nights it is even further down the road where I have “made peace” and accepted what the emotional return can and will be. I pretend I am happy for him and listen to his life and his problems because I am his friend. I offer suggestions and consolations that each cost me a little piece of my soul to say out loud and really try to mean them. The contact is less and less and the knowledge that even that small, pitiful grasp that I have is slipping away, has dawned on me at last. This dream is filled with regret, more emotional loss, and complete loss of control. This usually just ends in sadness and defeat. I hang up the phone and I wake up.

Now, today, I am fully aware that this was NOT the love of my life. The feelings of the “one that got away” are not that of a sentimental nature, but more from the fact that this was not an ending of my choosing. And up until this point, there had not been an ending that I did not think through, decide upon and then follow through with in my own time and my own way. So to me, this theme is more of a control issue than a pining for a lost love. For although the individual is always the same, I know that if it were still in effect today, the relationship would not have followed through to be healthy, creative, inspiring, or mutually beneficial. We ultimately would have wanted very different things and wanted to go in very different directions. He was a good person, a kind person, a fun person and a loving person. But he was never to be my person or me his, and there is no regret there at all. 

So if these dreams do not spring from love lost, he must represent something or several specific things that I wish to regain in my life now. If it is not about a lost love and the actual relationship, then it goes back to being representative of feelings that I had then in that situation, that must apply or be present now, without me knowing or fully acknowledging them.  That list, if I take the dreams and combine them all together, is not a comforting one. To re-cap we have angst, lack of closure, loss of control, helplessness, powerlessness, betrayal, jealousy, abandonment, isolation, loneliness, frustration, invisibility, being ignored or unheard, false accusation, worthlessness, denial, disbelief, hurt, failure, sadness, defeat, and in every dream the recurring feeling of utter desperation to regain the status quo. The biggest themes I see in this series being lack of control, unwanted change and desperation/failure.

What say you gurus?? What does this all mean??

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “My Dreamcatcher is broken…

  1. shauri3

    Guru Bianca sayeth… hey, me too. I haven’t been having recurring dreams lately, but all of those things crept around in my mind a lot before I started trying to even things out with some meds. Now that I think about it… there were a few times that I was upset and reliving my breakups with my exes for no apparent reason. Like you said, you don’t want that person back… it’s just a manifestation of your fears. I even got upset about how well things were going with James, simply because now I have something to lose again. Anticipation of things beyond my control.

    For me, there are a many things that contribute to my negative emotional issues. There’s a lot of pain and suffering in our family (including the non-blood family). There’s a lot of uncertainty with my job/life situation, since it doesn’t seem to make me happy. I hate change. I hate job hunting. I’m scared to make big changes because there’s always the possibility of huge monumental failure. It all brings around the hopelessness. Then, I get angry with myself for feeling hopeless. Frustration, feeling unheard, betrayal… they all tie in. A lot of the things you listed just snuck in. One negative thought led to another until it was completely out of hand.

    The status quo is only good for so long. Knowing that you are someone that loves to move around every few years and be as independent as possible, I guarantee you probably have the same issues with the way life has lead you that I do. I don’t want to have to be conscious of every little thing I do in order to minimize life’s affects on me. It’s frustrating. It takes away my sense of control. It erodes my self-confidence, if i let it. I’m sure you’ve got some of that too. You certainly have every right to feel all of that. You’ve had a seriously rough time with health and lifestyle for a long time. Maybe it’s that… maybe it’s something else that’s been on your mind lately… maybe it’s just all the things feeling like they’re gathering on top each other, like it’s been for me.

    So, if it’s not the “one that got away”… what is it that’s gotten away? What are you really pining over? What is it that you really miss and wish you could have back? If you can answer that, maybe you could find a way to get some of it back, although perhaps in different ways that you had it before. Difficult, but probably well worth it. If your mind is this hung up on something, it’s always good to listen.

    My ears are here for listening if you need them. ❤ you, sis.

  2. Thanks for sharing and interpreting Bi. Luckily these are feelings that I feel daily or all at once and only manifest themselves in sleep in dreams. But to me that means they must be there is some amount to come out at night. haha….I have had these type of dreams for years now so it may apply now to my current situation but clearly had began to be latent and there prior to my fall to the evil genes and change of previous lifestyle. Will have to ponder more as you said. Would be great for a little fairy to tell me what those themes mean in relation to my current situation since I know what they have often represented in the past. Would be too easy if you just told me those answers huh? lol. LOVE YOU!!!

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