Clean slate or full plate??

As we were entering into the new year, I sat in my room on December the 31st both dreading and hoping for 2012. I found myself wishing that the last day of the year could just freeze in time and we could avoid entering January at all…there are so many things that I worry constantly upon and honestly fear for the month of January.

I will have huge dental work done. Huge in it’s expense and huge in it’s toll on my mouth, body and overall reconstruction. I will most likely, by the end of Jan or Feb, no longer have any savings to speak of. I have been there many times before but was finally feeling more secure and confident in my adulthood that I HAD savings in an account for once. But a few more visits to the dentist that are, as of now, unscheduled and what is left of my savings will be gone. There is no way around it. I have done the math a hundred different ways, dozens of times.

Also because of this huge financial shift, I will no longer be able to buy my Imitrex injections that I use to abort my migraines. I have 3 left right now and that scares the hell out of me. So by the end of Jan or Feb if I’m REALLY lucky, I will have no injections either. I do have pill forms of Imitrex in my posession already that I have used before, that don’t work nearly as well, as fast or with as few side effects. I also have received free from the manufacturer a Nasal actuation version of Imitrex that I had never tried before. It is the only form of the drug available to me for free so I did try it at my last migraine. Simplify things to say, it did not go well, and did not seem to help my migraine almost at all, let alone as well as the shot does. I am determined to make it work somehow because FREE is what is has to be right now. So my next migraine, no matter how bad, I will make myself try the Nasal version again in the hopes that my administration of it was somehow in error.

Here is why this is so significant in my world…The shots had really given me a mental, even more than physical, ability to go places confidently and do things outside my house that I had not been doing before, because I knew that should I (one of my worst fears) get a migraine when I’m out in public doing normal life, I could use the shot and within 15-20mins be okay enough to rest comfortably and be human. This was a huge liberator for me. Now I feel afraid I will lose this confidence with the use of the my last shot whenever that may be.

I need to become more assertive and innovative in my little business that I have been attempting to get rolling. I have to be willing to self-promote and spend the time doing the paperwork and the research not just the crafting, crocheting and sewing. I need to get creative with new offerings for during the summer when people don’t need warm hats and may not want things with spikes on them!! I have to continue to push to think outside of the box and find marketable products that are in my budget, better in my home already, to create!!

And I need to be more assertive and push my limits in my life as well. Be unafraid of my health issues and approach all solutions from a practical standpoint. Drive more, leave the house more, be somewhere else more, be willing to take risks more….be willing to have made yourself sick trying something new or difficult. Then at least, I will know my new limits. Knowledge and stretching my boundaries are my goals….

To FIND a way to make all the money, medication and health related fears into things that I accept, determine the best solution for, and move on from….. That is 2012!

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