I’m a smart girl…why don’t I learn?

Let me start by saying that I used to live alone. I like to live alone. I like not having to talk all the time, or interact when you’re not awake yet or have someone see on your face what you aren’t there to talk about but what the hell else can you do with your face?!? Unfortunately it was necessary to move in where I would co-exist with other people. But not only that, because of my health….all there was about me was known and shared and taken care of for me sometimes when I couldn’t which to many people probably sounds like a good thing. So, being in a “social” living enviroment, where most of my financial and medical information had to be shared and dealt with, I got in the habit of telling more and sharing more. And being more open and letting others help make my decisions. But that too didn’t work well after awhile and all that information became too much and unwanted. I already had been conditioned to share?? What was one to do??

There came a time when I realized that wanting to share problems, ideas, exciting news was only going to end in being hurt and rather dismissed so I came to the conclusion, with the suggestion by others as well, that I should no longer share this information. That I should not seek feedback or approval or understanding or sympathy because it only caused me to be upset and hurt. It was very hard to hold my tongue each time something came up. Something joyful and to be proud of that wanted to be shared. Something frustrating or confusing that I just needed someone else’s opinion or perspective on in order simplify and understand better. Something scary and traumatic that I just needed know someone was on my side and I wasn’t lost in this sea of pain and lack of direction all by myself. But I slowly got better at it, at not having to fight not to say something. To make sure I stayed in my room where I was less likely to possibly open up about absolutely anything. If you’re not in the same place at the same time, the odds of speaking these things go down considering.

So I scheduled my kitchen time so it wouldn’t be when anyone else needed to be in there. I would try not to leave except to the bathroom. And is was both better and worse. I was no longer hurt by indifference, irritation or being told I’m complaining. Now I could just be completely alone with all that goes on or is felt or has to be dealt with. I got better at it, used to living that way and somewhere along the line, I let my guard down. At some point, things must have felt more comfortable, more approachable and things started to sneak out. Questions were sometime’s even asked of me. Interest was even shown in things I was doing or what I was dealing with and I just lost my vigilance and let my guard down.

That is a silly thing to do. I AM a smart relatively intelligent individual and there is no reason to be making this mistake again. I know better. I feel in my heart that I have accepted these truths to be so. Why then, would an intelligent person such as myself walk into a similar situation?? Does anyone know why? Because I would love a solution to this stupidity.

I know that there are to be no negative comments, no upsetting information shared, no sad thoughts that might show on your face. No anger, no frustration, no complaining, no whining….No feeling poorly or health problems; you’re always fine and you feel okay (you can’t go with good or great when you look like shit). We won’t talk about medical coverage, financial assistance, perscriptions, phone calls, forms, applications, changes in coverage, cost of services, next appointments, making good and right choices and what those might be…..No we know better than to talk about any of that. DON’T WE??? Apparently not. Lesson learned. Back in room. Door shut. Guard rebuilt and in as strong as possible working order.

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