Hiding from the light…

I sit here with a perfect view of the outside world going about its daily life on a sunny summer Sunday. There are people in the yard playing with their kids, couples walk by obviously for the sake of being “physically fit”, people are walking their dogs. They all look happy and healthy and seem to enjoy the warm weather and the heat. They like the feel of working up a “good sweat”. They enjoy the heat of the suns rays beaming down on their body. It feels warm and soothing and re-energizing. I sit here with an ice pack and a fan and the AC in every room turned on high and can tell my head and my stomach are starting to feel the outside temperature rising even though my house sized bubble remains at 70 degrees. What is different about me? Why does the heat, the humidity, the sun all have such a crippling effect on me?

I wonder what it feels like to walk down the sidewalk like that, in and out of the shade of the trees. Working up a “good sweat” and feeling my body working and my muscles pushing. What does a “good sweat” feel like? If I get to the point of sweating, it usually means dizziness and even passing out is not far in my future.  I wonder what it would be like to sit in the sun and feel its warm rays on my skin and LIKE it. I blockade the sun from my room, I shield by eyes and my body from it as much as possible everywhere I go. I wish for overcast skies!!  I think how nice it must feel to drive in the car with all the windows down and smell the summer air instead of counting the pollens and inhaling grass. I wonder what it would be like to accept an invitation to go to the park or go out to Twin Lakes and toss a frisbee. Living in AC may make things livable but it’s no kind of life. It does effectively create this bubble around you of isolation and exclusion. I can’t hear the outside sounds or anything that goes on in the rest of the house. Doors have to be kept closed so unless someone makes an active effort to enter…it’s just you. Just coping…just making it by.

 

I don’t want to spend another summer of just getting by and wishing for cooler days and cloudy skies and having my body The Human Barometer telegraphing the weather by how sick I am that day. There has to be another way. A better way. If other people can be out there and live there must be a way for me to do it too! I’m not as boring and stuffy as I appear…the me inside doesn’t want to be so sedentary and careful and controlled. I want to run and jump and play in the sun! I want to breathe the air!

Is this too much to want? Am I wrong to envy those people outside the window? Does it make me petty and self-absorbed to be thinking that I am tired of hiding from the light?

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1 Comment

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One response to “Hiding from the light…

  1. Neha

    You’re not petty or self-absorbed and none of what you would like to experience is too much to ask for. I’m sorry that you feel trapped by your body – I can’t even pretend to be in your shoes.

    But I have been held hostage by my mind. You’re the only one who knows what and how you feel when your body hurts, but bit by bit, you’re beginning to break free of the mental constraints. At one toe at a time, you’re doing really well, sis. Give yourself some love, because you deserve it.

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