So I realized today how much I miss singing, dancing and theater. I miss singing with a choir, a group, a duet….a solo. I miss the energy of music, the beauty that can be created, shared and felt by everyone it touches. How it courses through your veins and shoots through your soul like fire. Like lightning. Creating music in general is very rewarding and there are many instruments that I connect to in a very personal way, violin, french horn, mellophone, the piano. But singing is somehow different and more intimate because YOU are the instrument.
Music was always one thing that I knew I could do well, that I knew I was good at. Nothing to do with ego or vanity here just something I could understand and get right. There are so few things in life that you just get. That click without you having to try or push or force. And it is music, singing in particular that could make me feel beautiful. Not look in the mirror and tell yourself your beautiful just the way you are, but actually FEEL beautiful. Lite up from the inside like lantern, and everyone else may only see those pin pricks of light that come out of the openings, but inside is a blazing flame that cannot be fully contained. It is the best I have ever felt about myself in my entire life. The moments were I was swamped in music and you couldn’t tell where I started and it began.
I miss that feeling. I miss the joy of singing harmony with someone. I love to harmonize and being an alto, never minded not singing the lead or the melody because I could make a harmony to go with anything. Even if I didn’t know the song. I was never meant to lead but to blend, to combine, to add something worthy and strong that makes a song more than it could have been without it. Without me.
I don’t sing on my own. I could. But I don’t. Somehow it’s not the same and after awhile of not being involved with a musical, or a choir or a band or just caroling…I stopped singing altogether. I stopped listening to the music I used to sing along with when I was by myself. I started not liking the sound of my voice…not being able to sing the ranges in songs I used to sing. I stopped caring. People always laugh at movies where actors spontaneously break into song in the middle of the street or in the park. We even used to joke in Disney movies or old musicals about the way you can tell a song is coming….wait for it….wait for it. But lately, I wish that people did do that. That there was that joy and energy to just sing no matter where it is or who is there. I wish I felt that energy and joy enough to just sing…even if only by myself. I miss me.